Turn! Turn! Turn!

As the sun rises this morning, my eyes are not pleased to see this gleam of light. My heart is heavy. Today, my youngest, and last child, goes to prek orientation. Many parents “boo-hoo” at kindergarten drop offs because they are sad that their kids are growing older. This is not the case with me.

For six years I have lived in this house that has become my home. My husband bought it when he was just 25 years old. Not that you would recognize that house anymore. It is more than that now. It is a home where I have had many firsts, overcome much, and built a stable life. I have never, to my recollection, lived in a single house for six years. That is not a bad thing. There are good things that come with moving. It is just the reality.

I have seen this house, my home, change, over the years. New Paint. New Porch (thanks to some amazing friends). A new kitchen. Some new flooring. Water heater leaks (another friend to the rescue). Tree issues (more friends). Playsets and a fire pit now adorn the once barren backyard. Furniture re-arranged over and over.

Six winters, six summers, six falls, and six springs. I still get excited when my lilies come back each year and I get to see them get bigger and bigger each year! I have come to enjoy this stability.

BUT, Seasons come and go. They bring change. Each season different even from the same season of last year. A colder winter than last year, perhaps. More rain this summer than last. Seasons, although predictors of change in weather, are not consistent in and of themselves. Each season is different.

I have built a life in this community. I know many people. I have grown to know a large handful of women, in particular, very well. They have been the source of support, encouragement, laughter, girl time, and our share of drama. I have shared pain with these women. I have shared great joy with these women. Some I have known for only a year and others, many more than one. I could see these women at the church preschool, small group, or play dates. We, converse and share on Facebook, too.

But seasons change.

Pre-k for my youngest is heavy for me because it is yet another new beginning for me. My heart strings are still lingering on the joyous pages of the previous chapter of my life. I am not really ready to turn this page. The author left this chapter too soon.

I am fearful in not knowing anyone. I fear that I will be forgotten by these pillars of what once held me together. They helped define me. They helped me find out who I was. NOW WHAT?

I feel like I am going into ninth grade again, knowing no one. The gripping fear of having to walk into a group of people that probably already have friend groups and don’t really have desire or room to add to that group. Whether that be because they just are comfortable with their friends, as is usually the case, or they just really don’t have time to spend on friendships, much less build new ones… it is still hard to walk into.

For me, this new season brings much change. It is NOT in any way sad change. It is wonderful change. I feel so ready for these next steps. Youngest in school, new work for my husband and I, and so much to look forward to.

And then, just as I started taking the first steps, my head turned and looked back.

I suddenly realized that, we were all going in different directions. Different Pre-ks. Different soccer leagues. Different sports/activities, in general. Our little angels, who had once brought us together, were the very reason we were growing apart.

I promise, there is no love loss for any of these women. Really. I believe we all love each other very much. We would all still enjoy a mom-night out together or an evening of laughter around a fire-pit. We all care for each other, but our lives, our family’s needs, take us in a direction that make connecting much harder.

I once believed that the people that cared the most for you would reach out and make time to talk to you. They would email, text, write a card, call… something. I have learned this is not true. It is a LIE!

You see, dear friends, we don’t all speak that language. I do. I speak it fluently. I feel slighted, ignored, and hurt when months go by and someone does not return a call. I simply feel unimportant to that person.

HOWEVER… here is what I have learned. Most people are just too caught up in their own lives. They are often treading water, barely able to keep their head above water. We just don’t understand that although Facebook allows us to peer into their lives on a superficial level… we still do not know the truth.

We don’t see how they are dealing with a husband who is emotionally checked out. It is all they can do to keep the kids busy, attend the necessary parties, and stay focused on work. She does not intend to ignore you. She is surviving.

You don’t see how one friend is reeling with pain over miscarriages and honestly, talking to you, with three children, is just hard for her.

Maybe a friend secretly wishes she had a caring husband like yours. Your latest post of a dozen roses brought home only fuels her frustration and she subconsciously pulls away. This isn’t because she doesn’t love you, but it is to shield her own heart.

And, friends, it could be simply this: Your paths just don’t cross anymore. Your worlds, although 10 minutes apart, couldn’t be farther from each other. Your kid does soccer; hers ballet. Your kid goes to public school; hers private.

You are and will always be an important part of her life. You were there for the season God intended you to be. As the song "For Good" from Wicked (musical) says: 

  “I've heard it said
   That people come into our lives for a reason
   Bringing something we must learn
   And we are led
   To those who help us most, to grow
   If we let them
   And we help them in return”

But Seasons change.

Today, I turn my head back around and look forward. I look forward to the new that God is allowing in my life. I will choose to cherish those memories. I cannot hold onto them and let my eyes linger on them. God wants more than that. He doesn’t want us to stay in one place and grow stale. He wants us to grow and share His light with more people.

He called Jonah to go to Nineveh and Jonah did not want to go (Jonah 1). He too wanted to stay where it was comfortable and he was known. Jonah’s reasons for not going were different than mine, but in essence the same. FEAR.

My faith has grown so much in the last 6 years. And instead of fleeing the inevitable as Jonah attempted, I will be launching into this next phase of life with an open heart.

I grew up listening to the song, “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by the Byrds. Imagine my surprise when, as an adult reading the Bible, I see the lyrics of this cool song! They were true during the biblical times and they are true today.

1There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

                                                   Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (NIV)

Today, we uproot. Not our whole lives, but a portion. A Season. I leave no one behind. They are all moving forward with me; just in different directions. I take with me all the experiences, all the love, and all the memories.

We will see each other again, I know. Maybe in the grocery store or in a school hallway. Maybe even a few will continue to see each other, regularly. But… fellow friend, do not linger over these pages of the past. Get up and go to Nineveh! God has something more in store….

Which reminds me of another song (another musical - yes, if yo know me you know I love musicals)

Who knows?
It's only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there's a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something's coming, I don't know what it is, 
But it is
Gonna be great! 

(West Side Story. “Something’s Coming”. Lyrics by Steven Sondheim. Composed by Leonard Bernstein.)

Envy creeps in as I feel unrest in my heart and there I find Perespective

Life changes.

Sometimes faster than we want or intend. I, like many, have experienced a lot of change in the last four years and I know that change is coming again.

Purpose.

We all have at least one driving sense of purpose. Some know it deep in their hearts before they graduate high school. Others discover it in college, thus changing their degree and often extending the college experience. Some find it when they become parents. And others are still yet to find their purpose.

My changes and purpose:

I am a great mom and a pretty awesome wife (if I do say so myself), but I do not believe those are my purposes in life. No, my purpose is more personal and more public. I have not found it but feel it moving me.

This desire to do more with my life leads to me trying a lot of things. Not a single one fails or flops, but I taste it; experience it; and learn from it. I grow and develop. I like what I know about myself today that I didn't yesterday. I love to learn.

I worked full-time and chose to take a sabbatical in 2012. A sabbatical focused on my kids and creating some much needed family stability. 

In the meantime: I have lead a MOPS group, lead a married couples community group with my husband, taught after-school art, worked at Target over a holiday season, attended a couple conferences, lead women’s community group, tried blogging, worked on a home-based business with Wildtree, and joined an amazing networking group of business owners. Yep, that’s clearly more stability, right? It is. Really….

I have learned so much about people and myself. I have learned about compassion in a way I never saw it before. I learned that I have a very rare compassionate heart. Like in Star Wars when they say “The Force is strong with this one”, yea… like that kind of compassionate heart. It can lead me to odd places, difficult situations, and tough choices. Let me tell you… it has cried a lot over the last 3 years.

Corporate world – you have nothing on running a MOPS program! Not only are you dealing with a ministry budget (um, need I say more), coordinating volunteers (or lack thereof), and ensuring you have enough staff for the childcare…. You are also planning meeting topics for a group of HUMAN mothers dealing with life. Struggling marriages, financial issues, children with possible disabilities, pregnancy loss and so much more. I cry as I type. It brings those raw emotions right back. I feel the weight of it all on my heart because I care so deeply.

I have always had intense passion. Often misdirected passion, as I have come to learn. I have walked out of meetings in a huff, I have “told it like it is” to one too many a boss, I have lost sleep over software projects no longer even in use! A Waste? No… I had to experience these things to be humbled this last few years.

As I prepare for some new changes that I feel coming (not exactly sure what that looks like yet), I know this… I am blessed with this fire that burns in my soul that is apparently very rare. It makes me good at whatever I do. It drives me. It takes me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I feel deep. I analyze and interpret is a way most don’t.

This makes me very good at working with people. I know why I was a good Business Analyst now. I can hear what people don’t say. I can feel the tension in their heart. I can sense the excitement or frustration lurking behind their explanations of what they want or need.

It does not make me better than anyone. It is what makes me unique.

We all have something.

I have met women that I am in AWE of.  They have 4 kids under 5 and still look beautiful in the grocery store. You rock it momma! Awesome! Not my strength.

I have met women that have the cleanest houses I have ever seen… AND their kids live there too! Whhaaat? Yep… so not my strength.

I have met women that are happy and fulfilled being at home parents and they are AH-Mazing at it. They do not foresee going to work in the foreseeable future. That is so fabulous! I admire that content and confidence! Not my strength.

I have met women that work outside the home and seem to balance it all with a finesse that is “shaking my head” in amazement remarkable.

I wish sometimes I was like these women and friends. Envy creeps in as I feel unrest in my heart. I often pray to God asking him to make clear my path and I keep getting only one step clear at a time. It drives me bonkers!

I am a planner by nature. I know my summer travel dates in February! If not, I lose sleep! I already have the next school year calendar in my google calendar. So, for God (who clearly made me this way) to keep me in the present is like having my Birthday gift sitting on the table for weeks ahead of time and telling me NOT to touch it… OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Ok, so, clearly patience has been part of this humbling. And control of the future, too. Those two can still wind me up… but I recognize it faster. And I can back-up and become unglued. Re-engage and move forward.

Perspective

Perspective – that in a word is what I have been experiencing. I have seen life through so many eyes in the last 3 years since leaving my corporate job. It has brought me to where I am. Being able to feel emotion as deep as I do without patience is worthless. Hearing angst behind someone’s words is pointless if you cannot be content in the lack of control you have over the situation.

Perspective has helped me to balance that passion to be able to view all the angles and players in a far more analytical way.

I am OK with sensing something more and the person not saying it. They just are not ready. They may not even know what they are feeling yet.

I am OK with a project taking a new direction “out of the blue” because it is not in my circle of control and it has a purpose that I am not privy to. I can sleep well knowing that I always give my 150% to what I am involved in. I will do so with the new project direction, too.

You see, behind every face we interact with, is a story. A memoir that is raw, real, and personal. That face has a history that is made up of experiences etched within their heart, mind, and soul. These experiences collide with our own experiences we bring to the “relationship”. That collision creates a symbiotic relationship. It can be a parasitic relationship, a commensalistic relationship, or even a mutualistic relationship. (I knew those biology terms would come in handy someday).

We chose how we allow that person, that face of God, to collide with us. We cannot change how they treat us but, in fact, you choose how you treat them. Perspective allows you to think through where they might be coming from. It helps you to look at the situation and know there are underlying motives, scars, and experiences at play.

Where am I?

Ready.

Ready for the next step that God has yet to reveal to me. I am pursuing multiple avenues and nothing has appeared yet. If you received a “knock on the door” from me, this is why.

I am uncertain what Fall looks like, but I am relatively OK with that. I know what my kids need from me right now. I know that I have an amazing, imperfect partner that loves my imperfect self in more ways than I deserve. I know God has it…my job is to let the world know I am ready. The right thing will make itself known.No matter what God has planned for me, I know:

•  It will be Perfect for me
• I will continue to learn
• Perspective is coming with me
• I bring new-found patience along with this servant heart
•  I am, by nature, an analytic creature. Embracing it.
• I can listen better than I have ever been able to. I am tuned in.
• I am ready and willing to follow