Life changes.
Sometimes faster than we want or intend. I, like many, have
experienced a lot of change in the last four years and I know that change is
coming again.
Purpose.
We all have at least one driving sense of purpose. Some know
it deep in their hearts before they graduate high school. Others discover it in
college, thus changing their degree and often extending the college experience.
Some find it when they become parents. And others are still yet to find their
purpose.
My changes and
purpose:
I am a great mom and a pretty awesome wife (if I do say so
myself), but I do not believe those are my purposes in life. No, my purpose is more
personal and more public. I have not found it but feel it moving me.
This desire to do more with my life leads to me trying a lot
of things. Not a single one fails or flops, but I taste it; experience it; and
learn from it. I grow and develop. I like what I know about myself today that I
didn't yesterday. I love to learn.
I worked full-time and chose to take a sabbatical in 2012. A sabbatical
focused on my kids and creating some much needed family stability.
In the
meantime: I have lead a MOPS group, lead a married couples community group with
my husband, taught after-school art, worked at Target over a holiday season, attended
a couple conferences, lead women’s community group, tried blogging, worked on a
home-based business with Wildtree, and joined an amazing networking group of
business owners. Yep, that’s clearly more stability, right? It is. Really….
I have learned so much about people and myself. I have
learned about compassion in a way I never saw it before. I learned that I have
a very rare compassionate heart. Like in Star Wars when they say “The Force is
strong with this one”, yea… like that kind of compassionate heart. It can lead
me to odd places, difficult situations, and tough choices. Let me tell you… it
has cried a lot over the last 3 years.
Corporate world – you have nothing on running a MOPS
program! Not only are you dealing with a ministry budget (um, need I say more),
coordinating volunteers (or lack thereof), and ensuring you have enough staff
for the childcare…. You are also planning meeting topics for a group of HUMAN
mothers dealing with life. Struggling marriages, financial issues, children
with possible disabilities, pregnancy loss and so much more. I cry as I type.
It brings those raw emotions right back. I feel the weight of it all on my
heart because I care so deeply.
I have always had intense passion. Often misdirected
passion, as I have come to learn. I have walked out of meetings in a huff, I
have “told it like it is” to one too many a boss, I have lost sleep over
software projects no longer even in use! A Waste? No… I had to experience these
things to be humbled this last few years.
As I prepare for some new changes that I feel coming (not
exactly sure what that looks like yet), I know this… I am blessed with this
fire that burns in my soul that is apparently very rare. It makes me good at
whatever I do. It drives me. It takes me on a roller coaster ride of emotions.
I feel deep. I analyze and interpret is a way most don’t.
This makes me very good at working with people. I know why I
was a good Business Analyst now. I can hear what people don’t say. I can feel
the tension in their heart. I can sense the excitement or frustration lurking
behind their explanations of what they want or need.
It does not make me better than anyone. It is what makes me
unique.
We all have something.
I have met women that I am in AWE of. They have 4 kids under 5 and still look
beautiful in the grocery store. You rock it momma! Awesome! Not my strength.
I have met women that have the cleanest houses I have ever
seen… AND their kids live there too! Whhaaat? Yep… so not my strength.
I have met women that are happy and fulfilled being at home
parents and they are AH-Mazing at it. They do not foresee going to work in the foreseeable
future. That is so fabulous! I admire that content and confidence! Not my strength.
I have met women that work outside the home and seem to
balance it all with a finesse that is “shaking my head” in amazement remarkable.
I wish sometimes I was like these women and friends. Envy
creeps in as I feel unrest in my heart. I often pray to God asking him to make
clear my path and I keep getting only one step clear at a time. It drives me
bonkers!
I am a planner by nature. I know my summer travel dates in
February! If not, I lose sleep! I already have the next school year calendar in
my google calendar. So, for God (who clearly made me this way) to keep me in
the present is like having my Birthday gift sitting on the table for weeks
ahead of time and telling me NOT to touch it… OH MY GOODNESS!!!
Ok, so, clearly patience has been part of this humbling. And
control of the future, too. Those two can still wind me up… but I recognize it
faster. And I can back-up and become unglued. Re-engage and move forward.
Perspective
Perspective – that in a word is what I have been
experiencing. I have seen life through so many eyes in the last 3 years since
leaving my corporate job. It has brought me to where I am. Being able to feel
emotion as deep as I do without patience is worthless. Hearing angst behind someone’s
words is pointless if you cannot be content in the lack of control you have
over the situation.
Perspective has helped me to balance that passion to be able
to view all the angles and players in a far more analytical way.
I am OK with sensing something more and the person not
saying it. They just are not ready. They may not even know what they are
feeling yet.
I am OK with a project taking a new direction “out of the
blue” because it is not in my circle of control and it has a purpose that I am
not privy to. I can sleep well knowing that I always give my 150% to what I am
involved in. I will do so with the new project direction, too.
You see, behind every face we interact with, is a story. A
memoir that is raw, real, and personal. That face has a history that is made up
of experiences etched within their heart, mind, and soul. These experiences
collide with our own experiences we bring to the “relationship”. That collision
creates a symbiotic relationship. It can be a parasitic relationship, a commensalistic
relationship, or even a mutualistic relationship. (I knew those biology terms
would come in handy someday).
We chose how we allow that person, that face of God, to
collide with us. We cannot change how they treat us but, in fact, you choose
how you treat them. Perspective allows you to think through where they might be
coming from. It helps you to look at the situation and know there are
underlying motives, scars, and experiences at play.
Where am I?
Ready.
Ready for the next step that God has yet to reveal to me. I
am pursuing multiple avenues and nothing has appeared yet. If you received a “knock
on the door” from me, this is why.
I am uncertain what Fall looks like, but I am relatively OK
with that. I know what my kids need from me right now. I know that I have an
amazing, imperfect partner that loves my imperfect self in more ways than I
deserve. I know God has it…my job is to let the world know I am ready. The
right thing will make itself known.No matter what God has planned for me, I know:
- It will be Perfect for me
- I will continue to learn
- Perspective is coming with me
- I bring new-found patience along with this servant heart
- I am, by nature, an analytic creature. Embracing it.
- I can listen better than I have ever been able to. I am tuned in.
- I am ready and willing to follow
