As the sun rises this morning, my eyes are not pleased to
see this gleam of light. My heart is heavy. Today, my youngest, and last child,
goes to prek orientation. Many parents “boo-hoo” at kindergarten drop offs
because they are sad that their kids are growing older. This is not the case
with me.
For six years I have lived in this house that has become my
home. My husband bought it when he was just 25 years old. Not that you would
recognize that house anymore. It is more than that now. It is a home where I
have had many firsts, overcome much, and built a stable life. I have never, to
my recollection, lived in a single house for six years. That is not a bad
thing. There are good things that come with moving. It is just the reality.
I have seen this house, my home, change, over the years. New
Paint. New Porch (thanks to some amazing friends). A new kitchen. Some new flooring.
Water heater leaks (another friend to the rescue). Tree issues (more friends). Playsets
and a fire pit now adorn the once barren backyard. Furniture re-arranged over
and over.
Six winters, six summers, six falls, and six springs. I
still get excited when my lilies come back each year and I get to see them get
bigger and bigger each year! I have come to enjoy this stability.
BUT, Seasons come and go. They bring change. Each season
different even from the same season of last year. A colder winter than last
year, perhaps. More rain this summer than last. Seasons, although predictors of
change in weather, are not consistent in and of themselves. Each season is
different.
I have built a life in this community. I know many people. I
have grown to know a large handful of women, in particular, very well. They have
been the source of support, encouragement, laughter, girl time, and our share
of drama. I have shared pain with these women. I have shared great joy with
these women. Some I have known for only a year and others, many more than one. I
could see these women at the church preschool, small group, or play dates. We,
converse and share on Facebook, too.
But seasons change.
Pre-k for my youngest is heavy for me because it is yet
another new beginning for me. My heart strings are still lingering on the
joyous pages of the previous chapter of my life. I am not really ready to turn
this page. The author left this chapter too soon.
I am fearful in not knowing anyone. I fear that I will be
forgotten by these pillars of what once held me together. They helped define
me. They helped me find out who I was. NOW WHAT?
I feel like I am going into ninth grade again, knowing no
one. The gripping fear of having to walk into a group of people that probably
already have friend groups and don’t really have desire or room to add to that
group. Whether that be because they just are comfortable with their friends, as
is usually the case, or they just really don’t have time to spend on
friendships, much less build new ones… it is still hard to walk into.
For me, this new season brings much change. It is NOT in any
way sad change. It is wonderful change. I feel so ready for these next steps.
Youngest in school, new work for my husband and I, and so much to look forward
to.
And then, just as I
started taking the first steps, my head turned and looked back.
I suddenly realized that, we were all going in different directions.
Different Pre-ks. Different soccer leagues. Different sports/activities, in
general. Our little angels, who had once brought us together, were the very
reason we were growing apart.
I promise, there is no love loss for any of these women.
Really. I believe we all love each other very much. We would all still enjoy a
mom-night out together or an evening of laughter around a fire-pit. We all care
for each other, but our lives, our family’s needs, take us in a direction that
make connecting much harder.
I once believed that the people that cared the most for you
would reach out and make time to talk to you. They would email, text, write a
card, call… something. I have learned this is not true. It is a LIE!
You see, dear friends, we don’t all speak that language. I
do. I speak it fluently. I feel slighted, ignored, and hurt when months go by
and someone does not return a call. I simply feel unimportant to that person.
HOWEVER… here is what I have learned. Most people are just
too caught up in their own lives. They are often treading water, barely able to
keep their head above water. We just don’t understand that although Facebook
allows us to peer into their lives on a superficial level… we still do not know
the truth.
We don’t see how they are dealing with a husband who is emotionally
checked out. It is all they can do to keep the kids busy, attend the necessary
parties, and stay focused on work. She does not intend to ignore you. She is surviving.
You don’t see how one friend is reeling with pain over
miscarriages and honestly, talking to you, with three children, is just hard
for her.
Maybe a friend secretly wishes she had a caring husband like
yours. Your latest post of a dozen roses brought home only fuels her frustration
and she subconsciously pulls away. This isn’t because she doesn’t love you, but
it is to shield her own heart.
And, friends, it could be simply this: Your paths just don’t
cross anymore. Your worlds, although 10 minutes apart, couldn’t be farther from
each other. Your kid does soccer; hers ballet. Your kid goes to public school;
hers private.
You are and will always be an important part of her life. You were there for the season God intended you to be. As the song "For Good" from Wicked (musical) says:
“I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most, to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return”
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most, to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return”
But Seasons change.
Today, I turn my head back around and look forward. I look
forward to the new that God is allowing in my life. I will choose to cherish
those memories. I cannot hold onto them and let my eyes linger on them. God
wants more than that. He doesn’t want us to stay in one place and grow stale.
He wants us to grow and share His light with more people.
He called Jonah to go to Nineveh and Jonah did not want to
go (Jonah 1). He too wanted to stay where it was comfortable and he was known.
Jonah’s reasons for not going were different than mine, but in essence the
same. FEAR.
My faith has grown so much in the last 6 years. And instead
of fleeing the inevitable as Jonah attempted, I will be launching into this
next phase of life with an open heart.
I grew up listening to the song, “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by the
Byrds. Imagine my surprise when, as an adult reading the Bible, I see the
lyrics of this cool song! They were true during the biblical times and they are
true today.
1There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity
under the heavens:
2a time to be born and a time to
die,
a time to plant and a time to
uproot,
3a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to
build,
4a time to weep and a time to
laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to
dance,
5a time to scatter stones and a
time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to
refrain from embracing,
6a time to search and a time to
give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw
away,
7a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to
speak,
8a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for
peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (NIV)
Today, we uproot. Not our whole lives, but a portion. A
Season. I leave no one behind. They are all moving forward with me; just in different
directions. I take with me all the experiences, all the love, and all the
memories.
We will see each other again, I know. Maybe in the grocery
store or in a school hallway. Maybe even a few will continue to see each other,
regularly. But… fellow friend, do not linger over these pages of the past. Get
up and go to Nineveh! God has something more in store….
Which reminds me of another song (another musical - yes, if yo know me you know I love musicals)
Who knows?
It's only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there's a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!
Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something's coming, I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!
It's only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there's a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!
Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something's coming, I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!
(West Side Story. “Something’s
Coming”. Lyrics by Steven Sondheim. Composed by Leonard Bernstein.)